Who am I?
Much hope was placed upon me ever since I could remember it. These hopes blossomed into great expectations as the small boy slowly outgrew his shoes and became a young teen. Sweet 16, that’s where it all went wrong, my life got ripped from its comfortable roots, shaken upside down and rotated 180 degrees. Not many gave me a chance after my SPM ‘disaster’ and fewer still believe I had what it takes to fulfill their prophesized expectations. A bit of a premature forecast of my downfall eh?
Even then, the passion to succeed boiled and raged within my blood. I had never believed in giving up on anything. The odds can be stacked against me, but, trust me, no one should challenge me and spark my competitive spirit. I will break a bone; twist an ankle, spill blood before I shall be vanquished. I always had such strong conviction and self confidence.
I thought my STPM results could have salvaged some measure of external faith in me; still, the cynics were unsatisfied. Many thought it was fool hardy to apply for law in the first place! When I got my place in UKM’s Law Faculty, still doubters said I wasn’t going to make it. When I packed my bags and left for KDU, they were sharpening their knives (though often their tongue seems much sharper, that it’s baffling that a dagger is still needed) and were preparing for D-Day. The day of my supposed failure was near.
Yet, I still believed. I believed in me. I trusted that if I upped the ante and shifted gears I could achieve anything. The impossible is a barrier a person sets in his mind. It’s only from the valley that the mountain seems so high.
But, now as I have finished my diploma at KDU, doubt seeps into my heart and lingers deep within the chasms of my mind. A sense of foreboding seems strong. Ok. Maybe I should make some allowance since this is definitely a transitional period for me. Losing her is definitely a bitter pill to swallow. The gap in my life seems impossible to fill. Her mere absence is slowly killing me like a William Hung song (no offence to his fans). I have learnt that the only way to recover from such a seismic psychological blow is to acknowledge the pain and sorrow. However, I have to admit, this is much tougher than expected. You can wake up telling yourself that everything is going to be ok, but, the fact is, you’re still waking up alone, and the bed is empty, well almost empty if one can disregard the crumpled blanket on the bed. She was precious to me. I’m sorry my English fluency has waned somewhat, I have done a very obvious grammatical error. She IS precious to me.
As I gaze into the trees in the far distance, I try to rekindle memories of events which happened around my 2nd year in college.
Sports Carnival
In the semi-finals, I was rested and wasn’t given an opportunity to play. We lost. I’m not at all suggesting that the conclusion would have been different had I played. To suggest such an outcome would be equivalent to blowing my own trumpet a little too loudly for comfort. What I’m saying is merely that I had shown very little of the fire within me. Where was the competitive spirit I’m so proud of? Why was my tail behind my stubby legs? Could it be that my damaged knee has bereft me of the motivation and the desire to do well in sports again?
Mooting Competition
As I look back, I had also shown very little of the fighting spirit within me in the mooting competition. I understand now why I was so apologetic to my junior counsel for our defeat. Although, we made it to the finals, I was never firing on all cylinders. I was always distracted emotionally and spiritually. I wasn’t focused enough. Such apathy is totally unwarranted as I showed an utter disrespect to the field of competition, the organizers, the moot itself, my junior counsel and most importantly myself. Regret now intoxicates me. Yet, I still feel…numb.
Studies
Even my studies weren’t spared the ignominy of my apathetic attitude. My fear of losing her derailed me from my current priorities at the time. Guess what? My fear has come back to haunt me, and worse still, poor results definitely doesn’t help the situation. Sigh…even when I was writing my examination scripts my mind wandered. How could I have been so weak?
In short
People say I have brought this upon myself. My immaturity stood out like a sore thumb. Maybe studying law has taken more out of me than I could possibly have imagined. Like a sheep lost from its herd, I wander aimlessly, hoping that the wolves are not nearby. Empty hopes perhaps, but, still hope I shall. I’m spent. Maybe a good night sleep will help. But, I’m always a person who cannot rest until I have the answers. At the moment I’ve more questions than answers meaning more restless nights.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
Even then, the passion to succeed boiled and raged within my blood. I had never believed in giving up on anything. The odds can be stacked against me, but, trust me, no one should challenge me and spark my competitive spirit. I will break a bone; twist an ankle, spill blood before I shall be vanquished. I always had such strong conviction and self confidence.
I thought my STPM results could have salvaged some measure of external faith in me; still, the cynics were unsatisfied. Many thought it was fool hardy to apply for law in the first place! When I got my place in UKM’s Law Faculty, still doubters said I wasn’t going to make it. When I packed my bags and left for KDU, they were sharpening their knives (though often their tongue seems much sharper, that it’s baffling that a dagger is still needed) and were preparing for D-Day. The day of my supposed failure was near.
Yet, I still believed. I believed in me. I trusted that if I upped the ante and shifted gears I could achieve anything. The impossible is a barrier a person sets in his mind. It’s only from the valley that the mountain seems so high.
But, now as I have finished my diploma at KDU, doubt seeps into my heart and lingers deep within the chasms of my mind. A sense of foreboding seems strong. Ok. Maybe I should make some allowance since this is definitely a transitional period for me. Losing her is definitely a bitter pill to swallow. The gap in my life seems impossible to fill. Her mere absence is slowly killing me like a William Hung song (no offence to his fans). I have learnt that the only way to recover from such a seismic psychological blow is to acknowledge the pain and sorrow. However, I have to admit, this is much tougher than expected. You can wake up telling yourself that everything is going to be ok, but, the fact is, you’re still waking up alone, and the bed is empty, well almost empty if one can disregard the crumpled blanket on the bed. She was precious to me. I’m sorry my English fluency has waned somewhat, I have done a very obvious grammatical error. She IS precious to me.
As I gaze into the trees in the far distance, I try to rekindle memories of events which happened around my 2nd year in college.
Sports Carnival
In the semi-finals, I was rested and wasn’t given an opportunity to play. We lost. I’m not at all suggesting that the conclusion would have been different had I played. To suggest such an outcome would be equivalent to blowing my own trumpet a little too loudly for comfort. What I’m saying is merely that I had shown very little of the fire within me. Where was the competitive spirit I’m so proud of? Why was my tail behind my stubby legs? Could it be that my damaged knee has bereft me of the motivation and the desire to do well in sports again?
Mooting Competition
As I look back, I had also shown very little of the fighting spirit within me in the mooting competition. I understand now why I was so apologetic to my junior counsel for our defeat. Although, we made it to the finals, I was never firing on all cylinders. I was always distracted emotionally and spiritually. I wasn’t focused enough. Such apathy is totally unwarranted as I showed an utter disrespect to the field of competition, the organizers, the moot itself, my junior counsel and most importantly myself. Regret now intoxicates me. Yet, I still feel…numb.
Studies
Even my studies weren’t spared the ignominy of my apathetic attitude. My fear of losing her derailed me from my current priorities at the time. Guess what? My fear has come back to haunt me, and worse still, poor results definitely doesn’t help the situation. Sigh…even when I was writing my examination scripts my mind wandered. How could I have been so weak?
In short
People say I have brought this upon myself. My immaturity stood out like a sore thumb. Maybe studying law has taken more out of me than I could possibly have imagined. Like a sheep lost from its herd, I wander aimlessly, hoping that the wolves are not nearby. Empty hopes perhaps, but, still hope I shall. I’m spent. Maybe a good night sleep will help. But, I’m always a person who cannot rest until I have the answers. At the moment I’ve more questions than answers meaning more restless nights.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
posted by Innerflame7 at 12:12 AM
2 Comments:
There is still Year 3 to look forward to. Many more things ahead for you to achieve. You shouldn't forget the fact that you're only 22!
weng tchung: not forgetting...yea...tats exactly wat i was trying to say...the sense of enthusiasm is juz not there anymore...
redrum: exactly the justin u knew...i wonder wat had happened to him? who am i if i ain't him?
Post a Comment
<< Home